It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
