Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
