I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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