Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
