I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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