I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You smell like stripper and shame
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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