I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
