You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
