Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
