I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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