apparently the secret to your success is patron
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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