**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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