well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Mom said you looked used
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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