i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I smell like Dick and happiness
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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