When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
