my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
