Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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