A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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