Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I cut my penus on the lid.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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