checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
