Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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