Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
