I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
