GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
