i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your cock deserves a montage
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
