guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
