I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
