Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
