I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
