doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize