alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
