the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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