apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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