first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
