i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
