Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize