never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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