i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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