I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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