someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
