he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
