true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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