Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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