I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
