I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
