forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
