so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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