i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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