Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
