worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize