WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
