based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
