I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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