Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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