I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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