Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
