you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
