she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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