I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dick very happy bro
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
