brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
