i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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