I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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