you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
